Navigating Grief: How to Rebuild Life After Spouse's Death

Whether your heartache is fresh or it's been some time now since your spouse or partner has passed, you’re taking the right steps by trying to healthily navigate this difficult time. It won’t be easy - that’s a guarantee - but it’ll be worth it as you rebuild your life after this profound loss.

It’s important to note that accepting your loss doesn’t mean saying goodbye to or forgetting about your loved one. On the contrary, acceptance and going through the other stages of grief is needed to be able to move forward in a way that’s healthy, and eventually joyful (even though that might feel far away right now). The fact that you’re even here looking for guidance and more information is a testament to your character. You should be proud of yourself!

Allow Yourself to Grieve in Your Own Way

Grief is a deeply personal journey, as unique as your fingerprint. While there are general stages of grief, no clearly defined way exists to handle grieving for a spouse or partner who has passed away. The key lies in giving yourself permission to feel and express your emotions without judgment.

It’s natural for you to experience a wide range of emotions - sadness, anger, guilt or even relief. You might also find comfort in knowing the traditional stages of grieving proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross back in 1969. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But remember, these stages aren’t 100% linear; it's normal if you move back and forth between them or to experience more than one at the same time.

You might have days where sorrow seems unbearable while other times may bring unexpected moments of happiness. It’s essential to expect ups and downs not only because it lets us heal over time but also because it honors our love for those we’ve lost. Acceptance doesn’t mean goodbye.

Honor Your Emotions

Your feelings are valid—every single one—and they deserve respect and acknowledgment. Try writing down what you're feeling each day in a journal—it can be therapeutic and provide insight into your emotional landscape over time. Journaling isn’t about writing things perfectly, it’s about taking thoughts from your head and putting them on paper without judgment. This practice allows your inner thoughts to become better known to you.  

While it can be difficult, it’s important to remember that trying to “escape” from your complex emotions through activities like increased alcohol consumption and overeating are not the most productive way to cope. As hard as it is, it is important to feel your feelings instead of avoiding them. In fact, the longer you avoid your negative emotions the more likely it is for you to experience greater grief, difficulty healing, and even long-term depression.

Find Expressions that Suit You

Sometimes words fall short when expressing grief. In that case, look for non-verbal ways like painting, listening to music, dancing, or gardening to channel your grief into. Neuroscience has shown that moving your body helps release pent up emotions and decrease stress. If you’re open to trying it, aim to wiggle your arms and legs for at least 5 minutes every day. Even better, open YouTube and put on a meditation that you can listen to during these 5 minutes. That way, both your mind and body can experience calm, even for just a few minutes.

Avoid Comparisons

Your grief is yours alone – don't compare it with others' experiences. Everyone has their own pace and process which should be respected without judgment. If your passed loved one has siblings who are also grieving, try not to judge their grieving journeys. Even if it looks like they’re healing faster than you, they might just be experiencing their grief in their own way.

Remember,  there's no set timeline on grief. Allow yourself the self-compassion and space to experience your sorrow in your own way. Your resilience will start to shine through when you allow yourself this necessary healing time.

Grief is like loose glitter that you spill, it will continue to appear in places that you least expect. Healing takes time and it’s important to understand that no two people grieve the same. 

Don't Be Afraid to Lean on Your Support System (Or Find a New One)

Don't forget that while you traverse the difficult path of grief, your closest loved ones are there to provide companionship and solace. It's crucial that during this time you lean into the comfort and help of those around you.

Know that they aren’t burdened by your grief; instead they want nothing more than to lighten its load for you. But keep in mind that no one can give support if they don’t know you want it, so be sure to vocalize your needs.

Finding a Grief Circle

If your current support system isn't enough—or perhaps doesn't exist—it might be time for some new connections. GriefShare offers local grief circles that gather people going through similar experiences hosted by local churches 

In these groups, everyone has experienced what loss feels like because they're living it too—the highs and lows of grieving are familiar terrain here. Grief circles also often provide information about resources like trusted therapists who specialize in grief counseling.

If you’re looking for 1:1 private support instead of a grief circle, I’m Laura Jasen, LPCC, LMHC. At Sage & Sunshine Therapy, I help adults find clarity and direction through grief counseling so you can confidently navigate this new life and grieve at your own pace. Book a free, no-commitment consultation call whenever you’re ready!

Taking Steps Towards Healing

What works well for someone else may not work at all for you, and that's ok. Start small. Make a phone call today or send an email asking about local support groups. Take things day by day – start where you are with what feels doable right now. It’s ok if you’re not ready for a grief circle or talking to others about your emotions. What matters at the earlier stages of grief is just aiming to focus on your mental and physical health.

Take Care of Yourself

The path to rebuilding your life after the loss of a spouse or partner starts with self-care. It's incredibly easy to get lost in your grief and neglect this crucial step, but remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Your mental and physical health matter, even at this difficult time.

Eating Well

A balanced, nutritious diet is key for physical health and mental wellbeing. Ensure your diet includes all the essential nutrients necessary for sustaining good health.Grief can often rob us of the ability to nurture ourselves and proper nutrition is the foundation for healing.

Sufficient Sleep

Grief can disrupt your normal sleep patterns, but adequate rest is essential for coping effectively with emotional stressors. It’s generally recommended for adults to get a solid 7 or more hours of sleep every night. If you’re often waking up in the middle of the night, your body isn’t getting the continuous rest it needs and, in that case, consult your doctor.  Oftentimes you may find that you want to nap throughout the day and that is okay. Your body requires sleep and often grief disrupts our ability to reach Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. While you are recovering, allow yourself to sleep when you can.

Regular Exercise

Movement isn’t just about maintaining your physique; it’s also a powerful mood booster. Try taking short walks around the neighborhood after you wake up in the morning or join an exercise class that interests you a couple of times a week. If those feel overwhelming at this moment, consider starting slow with a 10-minute stretch in the mornings. The goal is to move your body at whatever pace feels good for you.

Find New Meaning in Life

Finding new meaning after the loss of a spouse or partner is not about forgetting them, but about continuing to live purposefully and joyfully while honoring their memory. This could mean engaging in activities that bring you fulfillment or helping others in need.

Taking part in things your spouse or partner loved can be therapeutic and serve as a loving tribute to their life. For example, if your partner enjoyed hiking, make it a point to visit some trails that you both wanted to explore together. Or if they loved baking, consider finding a delicious recipe and giving it a go.

You might even find solace and purpose by offering help within your community – volunteering at your local Salvation Army or community food banks may offer you precious connection during this challenging time. Studies show these acts can actually aid healing from personal losses because it redirects focus onto positive actions and helps build self-worth.

Getting outdoors into nature has also been proven to decrease stress and improve one’s mood. Try taking a 1-hour walk through the park or local trails. Or you can even combine giving back and getting outside by volunteering at your local community garden, park service, or environmental nonprofit. That’s the best of both worlds!

Creating something meaningful out of loss definitely doesn’t happen overnight, so remember there's no rush nor right way to go through this process. You'll have good days where everything feels almost normal again and bad ones when all you’ll want to do is curl up under the covers – both are okay and to be expected.

Rebuild Your Social Network

Life after losing a spouse or partner can feel isolating. But remember, you're never alone. Whether you feel you need it or don’t, aim to regularly reach out to your existing network for comfort, familiarity, connection, and support.

Making contact with old friends can bring familiarity when everything else seems uncertain. These connections have shared experiences, memories, and understandings of your life that new relationships might lack initially.

New friendships also hold immense value. They provide fresh perspectives and support systems different from the ones we've known before, and they offer opportunities for growth in unexpected ways. If you’re feeling up to it, try joining a local club that engages in activities you enjoy. For example, a cycling club, hiking club, book club, knitting club, baking club, etc. Finding the right club might prove difficult especially if you live somewhere more remote, so in that case try Meetup. It’s an online platform designed specifically to help you find like-minded people through different kinds of meetups. If you discover a club’s not right for you, there’s no pressure to continue taking part. You have the freedom to engage and disengage as you see fit.

While it may feel difficult to be social, these new and old relationships are precious. Your community wants to support you. You just need to give them the opportunity to.

Tapping Into The Power Of Online Communities

The internet has made connecting easier than ever before. Consider joining online forums like Grief Healing Discussion Groups. Here people share their stories of loss and how they navigate through grief—making it a safe space to express yourself freely without fear of judgment. You can also try engaging in different Facebook groups created for processing grief, such as Grief Support Group or Death of a Spouse/Partner - Grief & Loss Support Group. If none of those feel right for you, there’s also a subreddit on Reddit where you can read stories and interact with others experiencing grief called Grief Support.

Reach Out To Professionals For Help

Last but not least, don't shy away from seeking professional help—a grief counselor can give valuable guidance during this transition phase. Especially if you don’t have a strong support system or sense of community, talking to a therapist can provide positive human connection that might be lacking in your life. However, they’re mainly there to help guide you through grief, including feelings of extreme sadness, hopelessness, and listlessness.

Look Into Grief Counseling

Grief counseling can be a significant help in navigating the turbulent sea of emotions that follows the death of a spouse or partner. Professional therapists, like myself at Sage & Sunshine Therapy, are trained to provide support and specialized guidance.

Our role is not to take away your pain but rather help you understand, navigate, and process your grief together. We give you tools, strategies, and techniques for coping with grief and moving forward while honoring your loss. Think of us therapists as navigators helping chart your course back towards normalcy after such a devastating storm.

Why Consider Grief Counseling?

If you're feeling lost or overwhelmed by grief, remember there's no shame in seeking professional guidance. The intensity of grief can often make us feel isolated even when surrounded by loved ones offering their support.

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders completed by researchers in Denmark found that proper grief counseling has beneficial immediate and long-term effects for grieving individuals.

Aside from helping you feel less alone, a trained professional grief counselor can both hold space for your feelings as well as grant you permission to focus 100% on yourself. Often in our busy lives, it can be easy to prioritize your loved ones over your own needs, especially if you have children. But at some point, your needs need to come first. Regularly seeing a therapist allows you this time to focus on and safely express yourself.

Finding The Right Counselor For You

You might be wondering how to find the right grief counselor. First off, it's important that they specialize in grief counseling and have relevant qualifications and experience with similar clients. Websites like Psychology Today and Therapy Tribe offer comprehensive directories where you can filter therapists based on specialities, location, etc.

Making The Most Of Your Sessions

To get the most out of each therapy session, open communication is key. Be honest about your feelings, even if they seem dark or difficult to share. The counselor is there to listen and provide help, not pass judgment on you. Based on your unique needs, they’ll aim to provide tools, strategies, and techniques to help you better navigate your grief. And know that there’s no pressure to continue with a therapist if they’re not helping you.

Remember, seeking therapy doesn't mean you're weak; it means you're brave enough to reach for a lifeline when the waves of grief become too strong. There’s immense strength in seeking help.

Create New Routines

Creating new routines is a critical step to rebuilding your life after the loss of a spouse or partner. It's like setting up signposts in an unfamiliar territory, providing structure and predictability when everything else feels uncertain.

The routine you build doesn't have to be complicated or rigid. Start with simple things like waking up at the same time each day, preparing meals for yourself, going for walks regularly, or even reading before bedtime.

A Morning Routine Can Set Your Day Right

Start by creating a morning routine that works best for you. Creating a morning routine that works for you could involve activities such as meditating to reduce stress, eating a nutritious breakfast, doing basic hygiene tasks like brushing your teeth and washing your face, and engaging in some light physical activity like yoga, walking, or stretching. If you have a dog, taking them for their morning walk everyday can prove therapeutic, especially if you’re able to get into nature. These small actions can set a positive tone for your entire day.

An Evening Routine Helps You Unwind

An evening routine can also be beneficial in helping you prepare for a good night’s sleep. Consider incorporating activities that soothe your mind and body - this might mean reading a fun novel, writing in a journal reflecting on your feelings or day, listening to calming music, or engaging in deep breathing exercises.

New routines can be powerful tools for navigating the choppy waters of grief and loss. They give you something to focus on, a small measure of control in an otherwise overwhelming situation. Remember that it's okay to modify these routines as your needs change over time. Setting new routines doesn’t mean you’re forgetting about your spouse or partner. It just means you’re rebuilding your life in a way that’s healthy and benefits your mental and physical health.

Avoid Making Big Decisions

When a spouse or partner passes away, it's normal to feel disoriented and uncertain. You might be tempted to make big decisions in an attempt to regain control or find direction. But hold off on that.

The grief you’re experiencing can cloud your judgment, making it harder for you to think clearly and logically about major life changes such as selling your house or changing jobs. It’s like trying to navigate through dense fog—you can’t see far enough ahead to know what lies in wait.

Rather than rushing into big choices, give yourself permission just to sit still. Allow time for healing and adjustment before altering your life even more dramatically. The fog will lift eventually, allowing you clearer sight on where next steps should lead.

Postpone Major Financial Changes

In particular, financial advisors often recommend waiting at least 6 months after losing a spouse or partner before making any significant money-related moves—especially those tied directly with memories of your lost loved one like selling family property or moving out of shared home space. During this time, the wound is still fresh and can cloud your judgment.

Embrace Small, Manageable Changes

While it's wise to avoid big decisions, embracing small changes can be beneficial to regain a sense of control in your life. They could range from rearranging furniture to starting a new hobby—anything that helps you regain a sense of normalcy in your life.

Not changing anything after your partner or spouse passes can be extra painful as it’s easy to see memories and their presence everywhere. That’s not to say you should remove everything that reminds you of them, not at all. It only means changing small things here and there where it feels good for you.

Celebrate Their Memory

Keeping your spouse or partner's memory alive is an important part of healing. This doesn't mean living in the past, but rather finding ways to honor their life and love.

A powerful way to do this is by engaging in activities they used to enjoy. Did they have a favorite hobby or sport? Spend some time doing it yourself. You might find comfort and even joy remembering them as you participate.

Music can be incredibly evocative, bringing back memories tied closely with our emotions. Listen to songs that were special for both of you, or albums they loved. Research suggests music can help us process grief and recall happy moments we shared with those who are no longer here.

Create A Memorial Ritual

You could also create a memorial ritual, like visiting their grave on significant dates or lighting a candle every night before dinner. Bring your favorite photos of them, their favorite songs, and any item they loved dearly. These can all help you feel closer to them as you honor their life and love. Rituals give structure to our grief, making it more manageable while still honoring the person we've lost.

The Power Of Shared Memories

Another idea would be gathering friends and family together for meals where everyone shares stories about your spouse or partner. Studies have shown that reminiscing helps keep memories alive while improving depressive feelings.

Remember, celebrating your spouse’s life does not take away from the significance of their loss; instead, it allows space for laughter amidst tears, warmth within sorrow - a testament that love endures beyond death.

Expect Ups and Downs

Grieving is less like traversing up a hill and more like riding an emotional roller coaster. Some days will be better than others. But even on the toughest days, remember that it's okay to experience joy alongside your deep grief.

You might feel guilt for moments of happiness or laughter in these early stages. Understand that this doesn't mean you're forgetting about your spouse or moving on too quickly. It simply means you are living - something your partner would have wanted for you.

Throughout this first year without them, there will undoubtedly be milestones – anniversaries, birthdays, holidays – which can unexpectedly trigger intense emotions. Acknowledge these feelings as they come, sit with them, and give yourself permission to take each day at a time.

In order to process your grief, it’s important to not numb or escape your tough emotions, especially when the wound is freshest. By numbing or escaping, it becomes more difficult later on to truly grieve and live a healthy life.

Moments of Difficulty

There may be times when the loss feels unbearable; during these periods it’s important to lean into whatever support system you have around you such as family members or friends. Reach out, share how you’re feeling with someone who understands, and let their compassion help carry some of the weight off your shoulders.

And of course, if you don’t have family members or friends who you’re comfortable expressing your emotions with, then don’t be afraid to reach out to a grief counselor. Even in the loneliest of circumstances, there are still resources available to you.

Moments of Happiness

In contrast, there'll also be instances where life offers unexpected joys—a sunrise painting brilliant colors across the sky or an old song triggering warm memories from years ago—these small sparks can offer respite from your grief. These times of happiness don’t lessen the affection you had for your partner; they can only serve as a reminder of their continuing positive influence on your life.

Remember, you don’t have to feel guilty for having moments of joy and happiness. You should expect to have these moments so they don’t feel as surprising when they do happen. Your spouse or partner will always be with you, so in a way, they’re right there beside you laughing and smiling.

If The Future Feels Scary

Looking forward, the future might feel scary and uncertain. And know that that’s normal and expected after such a profound loss. But also know that you’re not alone through this grieving process. Between your friends, family, and a grief counselor, there are a whole host of resources you can take advantage of. These people want to support you! They just need to know you want their support.

Remember to allow yourself at least 6 months to 1 year after your spouse’s or partner’s passing to begin to make big life decisions. Whether that’s moving to a different house, changing jobs, or even changing your hairstyle if that feels big for you, you’ll feel much better about making big decisions once your head clears a bit and the future doesn’t feel as scary.

Tackling the choppy waves of sorrow is never simple, but it's a voyage everyone has to embark on at some point in their lives. When considering how to rebuild your life after the passing of your spouse or partner, self-care can often take a backseat but keeping yourself healthy - physically and mentally - should be non-negotiable.

Navigating grief is all about finding what works best for you both in the short-term and long-term. Try new things, keep doing old things, form new routines, lean on old friends — your wellbeing is worth the effort.

Written by: Laura Jasen, LMHC, LPCC